


It could have been so easy

by Sijglind



Series: Of Losing and Finding [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Kaidan doesn't know what to do, Kaidan pines for Shepard, M/M, Mass Effect 1, Spoilers, seemingly one-sided
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-30
Updated: 2012-03-30
Packaged: 2017-11-02 18:58:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/372255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sijglind/pseuds/Sijglind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>NOW WITH ARTWORK</p>
<p>Kaidan Alenko is haunted by inappropriate dreams about Shepard. But the man is off-limits for him, and anyway Shepard would never feel the same way about his subordinate... Or would he?</p>
<p>  <em>I couldn't let my mind wander off like this, especially not with him sitting right there, on the other side of the table. So near... I could have reached out and touched his hands to feel what I only dreamed about...</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	It could have been so easy

**Author's Note:**

> It's rated T, yes, T, although there are hints of Sex. Perish the thought. But I will change the rating if it bothers someone.
> 
> There are some spoilers on the Virmire mission and a minor character death.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

 

_Gasps. Groans._

_Strong arms holding me. Skin against skin. A warm, muscular body. Grey eyes._

_Hearts beating in unison._

 

 

Φ

 

 

I woke up drenched in sweat, breathing fast, and feeling a warmth in my groin that had become all too familiar over the last weeks. That dream again. It was haunting me every night, since... yes, since when, actually?!

 

Propped up on one arm I rubbed my face and tried to wipe away the pictures burned into my eyelids with the sweat covering my skin. Of course I couldn't. My dreams were to lively and I could not forget them, not even a little bit. They were always there, clinging to a part of my mind like an alcoholic to his last bottle of whiskey.

 

A cold shower. Yes, that would help, hopefully. The clock told me it was too late, or too early to abandon needed sleep, but I was wide awake. And I didn't want to sleep anyway, not now that this sword of Damocles of a dream was hanging over me.

 

The cold water was what I needed to cool my head and wake my body. It washed away the superficial traces of the short night. Better than nothing. I could not erase the things happening in my head, but these were easier to hide, at least sometimes. Beggars can't be choosers. Nevertheless, it gave me a hard time acting normally whenever I met the other participant in my nightly... brain activities and thanks to that I'd nearly stepped on a mine a few days ago. I don't know if Dr. Chakwas could have managed to sew me back together if Ashley hadn't held me back.

 

“What the hell is wrong with you, Alenko?” She had asked, raising a brow that vanished under the metal of her helmet, still clutching my arm tightly as if she feared I would step on the mine as soon as she would have released me. Taken aback on the prospect of nearly losing a leg, or more, I'd needed some time to mumble an answer.

 

“Just sleep problems.” Of course she hadn't been satisfied by that, but what should I have told her? ' _Sorry, I was too distracted by staring at that muscular back in front of me to see the deadly trap'_? Ashley had rolled her eyes and given me one of that _come-on_ looks of hers when we were interrupted by a deep voice speaking in our helmets.

 

“Do you think it's the right time for a chat? If you don't want to invite the Geth to tea and cookies I would appreciate it if you could get moving.”

 

“Coming, Commander.” With that she had let my arm go, but gave me a glance that promised we weren't finished yet.

 

And of course, as soon as we had been on the Normandy again, she had confronted me, thankfully out of earshot of the Commander.

 

“Sleep problems, huh?”

 

“Yes,” I had sighed when she'd positioned herself in the door of the locker room like a bouncer of Chora's Den, eying me suspiciously. After I hadn't offered her anything else, she'd sighed, shaken her head and left, but not without sending me to Chakwas and telling me she would not be there to save my poor ass from the next unconscious suicidal attempt.

 

Of course, I hadn't spoken to the Doctor about my 'sleep problems' – I was causing them myself, after all. And so I faced a Zombie in the mirror when I stepped out of the shower. The white, cold bathroom light had never complimented my skin to begin with – always made me look rather pale – but the dark crescents under my eyes completed the image. Must be good to be a woman and have the possibility to look astonishingly healthy even with a hangover. Thoughtfully, I rubbed the blue rings and the slightly swollen sacs under them. Whatever, they wouldn't go away and it was not like I was trying to win a beauty competition.

 

Dressed and looking as exhausted as I was, I made my way to the mess to get a cup of coffee before I visited Joker in the bridge. It was still early, and I was glad to meet only a few crew members on my morning walk. Joker turned the seat around to face me as soon as he heard my steps.

 

“You bring coffee to the bridge, Alenko? Are you _insane_? What do you think will happen when you spill that on one of the consoles?! It would start an electric fire what would destroy all efforts of navigation and we would likely crush into the next planet, and the survivors of this incident would die in the fire afterwards.” 

 

“Good morning to you too,” I greeted him and ignored the annoyed look he was giving me.

 

“Morning? Ha, still a bit too early for that. Do you never sleep?”

 

“Could ask you the same,” I countered and sipped at the bitter beverage. Still too hot.

 

“I do, but I have to have an eye on the Normandy. Could not risk one of the amateurs denting her, could I?” He gave the console in front of him a fond look, while his hands still danced over the control panel, giving nothing away of his medical condition. Someone told me once how graceful the Hanar moved in water, in contrast to their usual awkward movements on solid ground. I always was reminded of this when I saw Joker working.

 

“And I am one of the amateurs?” I asked when I slipped into the seat on his right, carefully avoiding to spill the hot coffee and give him reason to continue his former tirade.

 

“Yes, you are. No offense, but compared to me, _everybody_ is an amateur.” He gave me a smug grin and I raised a brow as answer. Yes, I knew he was right, but there was no point in stroking his ego. 

 

“Arrogant as always, are we?”

 

“And he has every right to be it,” someone said behind us and I flinched slightly, nearly dropping the cup. A bit of the coffee slopped over the rim and right onto my lap, wetting the cloth of my trousers and burning the skin beneath it. Cursing and hissing in turn, I tried to dry the mess with my hands. Next to me Joker began to scold me again, but I payed him no attention, too aware of the grey gaze burning on my neck, letting my hair stand on end. What was _he_ doing here of all places and at this god-damn time? 

 

“Is everything all right, Lieutenant?” Was that concern in his voice? Maybe, but he was my CO, he only worried that I might not be able to take part in the next operation. Interpreting more into it was unnecessary and above all _inappropriate_. 

 

“Yes,” I mumbled and continued to dry my pants, although I knew it was a waste of time and energy. Finally, I sighed and stood up to rush past Shepard without looking at him. “I'm going to change into something dry.”

 

“What's with him?” I heard Joker ask quietly behind me.

 

“Sleep problems – at least that's what he's told Ashley.” _Ashley_ , huh? Didn't know they were calling each other by their first names, already... And then I remembered that I'd nearly bumped into Williams the night before. She had carried a bottle of Whiskey and seemed to feel caught red-handed by me. Now I knew who she had shared the alcohol with, and it made my gut clench in a breathtakingly painful way.

 

“Maybe the implants are making problems again,” Joker mused, barely audible through the hissing of the hydraulic system of his seat when he turned around to face the console again. I sped up to leave them to their suggestions. Everything they thought about what might hinder me from sleeping was better than the truth. However, It bothered me that everybody seemed to know about my migraine. But it wasn't easy to hide it after I nearly fainted a week ago at breakfast because my headache had been so strong, it had felt like the Normandy had landed on my head. After that, everybody had treated me like I was a raw egg for the next days. It made me seem weak, made me _feel_ weak. Even Shepard had refused to take me with him on one of the missions, and I couldn't even be mad at him for it. I couldn't even say I would have acted differently in his position; having a Sentinel in your squad was well and good, but not when said Sentinel was likely to faint at the least needed moment... 

 

I chose the left stairwell to the Quarters to avoid getting too near to the med bay. If Ashley had told Shepard about my 'sleep problems', she'd likely checked on Dr. Chakwas as well to confirm I had sought her out. I already complimented myself on my sneaking abilities, when I caught sight of the Doctor waiting at the bottom of the stairs. Sadly it was too late for me to turn around and change my plans, she'd already spotted me.

 

“Lieutenant Alenko,” she greeted me, an all too knowing smile on her lips. Certainly she'd read my surprised expression. “Williams told me you need my help?”

 

“Ah, yes. About that... It's already better, just minor sleep problems, Doctor. There's no need to worry any longer,” I said and gave her a weak smile, she only raised a brow and shook her head.

 

“It might have slipped your mind, but I am a Doctor and furthermore someone who is familiar with the symptoms of lack of sleep. So, if you would follow me, please.” She gestured towards the front of the med bay. I opened my mouth to protest and tell her that I still wanted to change my clothes, but she silenced me with a look that reminded my of the ones my mother used to give me in similar moments.

 

“Now.”

 

To the med bay, then.

 

 

Φ

 

 

I rubbed my eyes and yawned, nearly dislocating my jaw in the process. On the other side of the table Garrus chuckled, it was a deep and rumbling sound.

 

“You certainly look like a Husk when you do that,” he bantered and took another sip of the Turian drink he'd found God-knows-where on the ship. Probably a remainder of Nihlus' time here. And probably something that would knock me out if I dared to take a sip. Or worse.

  
“Oh, then it really was  _me_ I faced this morning in the mirror. I should tell Joker the Normandy isn't overrun by Husks.”

 

“So far I've only seen one on the ship.” Garrus' face changed from amusement to concern. At least it seemed to be such, a Turian's facial expressions were still hard to read for me. “You should get some sleep.”

 

“Everybody seems to tell me that these days.” I didn't now if it was due to my lack of sleep or because of the feeling of being treated as something fragile – or a mixture of both –, but the crew's good advices started to annoy me. Didn't they have other things to do than worry about my condition? Something like saving the Galaxy from Saren and his Geth, for instance? But no, that seemed to be too much to ask for.

 

“Figures,” the Turian just said. For a moment, we sat there in silence, he nursing his drink, and I staring into my tenth cup of coffee this day like I was searching for answers at its bottom.

 

“Did Shepard set you up for this?” I finally asked. Garrus opened his mouth to answer, but the voice I heard didn't belong to him.

 

“No, he didn't.”

 

How did the man do that? Was it part of being a Spectre to move like one? God damn it, one day Shepard would give me a heart attack, if he wouldn't stop to sneak up on me when I gave my best to avoid him. I stiffened and rose to my feet to greet the Commander, feeling the heat on my cheeks. “Commander, I--”

 

“I'd like to have a word with you, Lieutenant,” Shepard interrupted me and gave Garrus a meaningful look.

  
“I guess that's my cue to leave,” he said and stood up to leave the mess. The clock on the wall told me it was early evening, but the room was empty except for us. Apparently the other crew members had left since the last time I checked. I really was tired, then.

 

“Sit down,” he said and walked around the table to sit down on the chair Garrus had occupied only moments ago. I did as ordered and sunk back into the seat, staring at the clean table in front of me to avoid Shepard's burning gaze. I could see his hands still. They were big, manly, strong. Made to pull a trigger. Made to kill. The skin was rough and calloused, sometimes interrupted by white scars. I had seen those hands in my dreams. But there they had done no harm, there had been no blood on them, they hadn't held a shotgun. In my dreams, they had been gentle, but also hungrily searching for my skin, wandering along my body, trailing the form of my muscles, every scar they could find...

 

Stop!

 

I couldn't let my mind wander off like this, especially not with  _him_ sitting right there, on the other side of the table. So near... I could have reached out and touched his hands to  _feel_ what I only dreamed about...

 

I said STOP!

 

There was a small spot on the table, a dried drop of what seemed to be brown liquid, maybe coffee. I focused on it so I didn't have to look at these hands any longer. Why didn't he say anything? The silence was unbearable. My heart beat so fast, I thought it even must be heard in the engineering, let alone right here, where I sat with Shepard. I cleared my throat and tried to swallow the lump forming in it. As Shepard still hadn't told me what he wanted to talk about, I decided to break the ever thickening silence before it might crush me.

 

“You said you wanted to talk to me, Commander?” I began and shot him a quick glance, before my look dropped back to the brown spot on the table. There was no way I could meet these steel grey eyes with my own.

 

“Do they hurt?”

 

“What?” I spluttered and looked up to see if I could understand what he meant by looking at him. Bad idea. Really bad idea. The lump in my throat threatened to suffocate me and I stammered a hasty excuse. “Sorry Commander, I was--” _Daydreaming of fucking you?_ “--in thoughts.” I cleared my throat again, feeling a treacherous heat rising in my cheeks. “What do you mean by 'they'?”

 

“Your implants,” he said matter-of-factly – as if there was nothing else in the galaxy in matters of pain when talking to me – and drew a circle in the air next to his head, indicating the source of the migraines.

 

“Ah. Yes, a bit. But I'm used to it. It's okay. No need to worry. Really.” I was babbling. Like a god-damn virgin talking to their crush. But the man threw me off course only by existing. Everything of him, everything he did, let my body react in the oddest ways. Having him so near was pure torture. My body wanted to jump at the man and pin him to the hard ground to kiss him senseless, while my mind yelled at me to run away as far as possible. It was a dangerous cocktail of feelings that left me staring at his moving lips, wondering what they might taste like...

 

A hand appeared in front of my face and he clicked his fingers. I snapped out of my daydreams instantly to find Shepard frowning at me.

 

“Did you hear me, Kaidan?” Hearing him using my first name made my heart skip a beat and I gripped the cup in my hands so tightly my knuckles turned white.

 

“Ah, I'm sorry, I--”

 

“--was in thoughts,” Shepard finished my sentence and shook his head slowly, one brow raised. He leaned over the table and locked his eyes with my own, his gaze boring deeper and deeper until I thought he must be reading my mind with it.

 

“This conversation is completely off-the-record, Kaidan. Feel free to tell me anything.”

 

His face was so close to mine – I wasn't sure if it was too close or not close enough. I only had to lean over and our lips would meet, and I could finally, _finally_ find out what it would taste like, feel like, be like to kiss Shepard. To kiss my Commanding Officer.

 

My breath hitched and I tried to cover it up with a cough. I forced my protesting body to lean back and bring as much distance as possible between me and the man I desired so much it was painful.

 

“There is nothing to tell, Commander,” I said quietly and finally managed to tear my eyes away and back to the table. He looked at me for a moment and then leaned back as well, his brows slightly knitted. I could tell he didn't believe me, but he would never push me further. He only nodded thoughtfully.

 

“Is there anything else, Commander?” I asked carefully and he shook his head.

 

“No. Dismissed.”

 

I rose to my feet as fast as I could without being suspicious and walked towards the counter to get rid of the cold coffee.

 

“Our next mission is on Virmire. Get some sleep, Lieutenant.” And with that he stood up and left the room, leaving me to my thoughts and the gaping hole in my chest.

 

 

Φ

 

 

_Hands wandered over my body, exploring every inch of my skin, finding every scar. Lips followed, covered me with kisses, gentle bites. The Hands came to rest on my hips, caressing the shape of my bones, while the lips traveled down my stomach, only pausing when they reached my bellybutton._

 

“ _Kaidan.” A whisper, hoarse, but oh, so sweet._

 

_A breathless moan, maybe my own._

 

_More kisses, further down, more moans._

 

“ _Alenko.”_

 

_Another body's heat. Strong arms holding me tightly. A deep voice._

 

“LIEUTENANT ALENKO!”

 

I woke up with a start and sat in bed in an instant, panting heavily and giving my best to ignore the clammy heat in my underwear.

 

“Lieutenant Alenko, time to abandon your beauty sleep and get on the bridge,” Joker's voice mocked me over the speakers and I jumped out of bed to find the button for the intercom.

 

“Alright, alright, I'm on the way,” I slurred and began to search for clean clothes.

 

 

Φ

 

 

The bomb was heavy and reminded me somehow of an over-sized metal toadstool. But it was certainly deadlier. We carried it out of the Normandy and to the foot of the pillar in the middle of the courtyard.

 

Virmire was a beautiful planet and we were going to plant a nuke on it. Good-bye beauty, hello destruction. I sighed and turned towards Shepard.

 

“Bomb is in position, we're all set he--”

 

“Commander can you read me?” Williams interrupted me.

 

“The nuke is almost ready. Get to the rendezvous point, Williams,” Shepard told her, his brows slightly knitted over the nervous tone in her voice. I shifted my weight uncomfortably, already knowing there was something wrong.

 

And it really was as I had feared. “Negative, Commander.”

 

Shepard frowned and waited for her to continue. It must have been hard for him, knowing that she of all people was in trouble and out of reach.

 

“The Geth have us pinned down on the AA tower. We've taken heavy casualties. Captain Kirrahe's dead! We'll never make the rendezvous point in time.”

 

“Get them out of there, Joker. Now!” he bellowed, his voice filled with concern and dread. Shepard wasn't the type to leave people behind. Especially not the woman he loved. Probably loved. Oh come on, who am I fooling? _Most likely_ loved. But maybe the situation wasn't so bad. Joker was the best pilot of the Alliance, maybe the best in the whole universe, he would rescue her. Wouldn't he?

 

“Negative. It's too hot! Can't risk it. We'll hold them off as long as we--” Silence.

 

I had to do something, say something at least, give him the possibility to go and rescue her. “It's okay, Commander. I need a couple of minutes to finish arming the bomb. Go get them and meet me back here.” A couple of minutes, huh? I'd better get going then. Shepard looked at me a moment longer than I was comfortable with. Maybe he had seen the way I squinted my eyes to block out as much light as possible. Maybe he had noticed my unfocused gaze. But he nodded.

 

“Up to the AA tower. Move!”

 

I didn't watch him go, there was no time for sentimentality, but waded through the water back to the bomb. Kneeling down next to the nuke, I searched for the console with trembling fingers. Pain throbbed in my brain, making every little sound too loud and every gleam of sunlight too bright. Concentrate, Kaidan. It's not that hard, isn't it? They need you.

 

Wrex' voice rang in my ears. “Damn Geth are sending reinforcements.” Not quite what I needed now. But what Ashley had to say was even worse.

 

“Heads up, LT. We just spotted a troop ship headed to your location.”

 

Fuck. The code, what was it? Concentrate... I heard the ship hovering over me, but I didn't want to look up. Seeing a Geth land on his feet only a few meters away was enough.

 

“It's already here. There's Geth pouring out all over the bomb site.” One of the synthetics shot at me and I hid behind the nuke. Yeah, good cover... I glanced over to the other soldiers, one was already down, the other had taken cover behind another pillar, firing at the nearest enemy. Luckily I ducked my head just in time to avoid a bullet aimed for my head.

 

“Can you hold them off?” Shepard. Maybe it was the last time I heard his voice. Look on the bright side, Kaidan, no more confusing dreams of your CO.

 

“There's too many, I don't think we can survive until you get here.” I leaned out of cover to make sure I was telling the truth. Yes. Enough seen. “I'm activating the bomb.”

 

The response came immediately. “Alenko, what are you doing?!”

 

“I'm just making sure this bomb goes off. No matter what.” How could I be so calm? The way my fingers flew over the console to punch in the code reminded me of Joker's hands, confident and fast. A beep and the nuke was ready, counting down the time until certain death.

 

“It's done, Commander. Go get Williams and get the hell out of here.” Time to take out some Geths. Not that it mattered any longer, the bomb was strong enough to evaporate everything in a large area around it, but whining about how unfair this was wouldn't get me anywhere. At least I could drag a few synthetics to hell by myself.

 

“Screw that! We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Alenko.” Why did that woman always have to talk back? Couldn't she be grateful even once in her life?!

 

“Commander, it's all right. Go get Williams,” I gritted out between clenched teeth and leaned out of my cover to throw a Geth at the next wall.

 

“Stop playing the hero, Alenko. It doesn't suit you,” she barked.

 

“Ashley,” Shepard said hesitantly, unable to cover the sadness in his voice. So he had chosen her. It's not that it took me by surprise, but the last remaining bit of hope in me went down the drain when I heard him. “I--”

 

“It's okay, John.” She sounded sober, ready to embrace her death sentence. Wait, what? Shouldn't that be my line? “Go, get Alenko, you know it's the right thing.”

 

“What? No, Commander! I--”

 

“Oh, shut up, Alenko!”

 

“Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site.”

 

I swallowed and licked my chipped lips. He couldn't be serious. I was overwhelmed by joy and guilt at the same time, but this wasn't right, this wasn't fair. “Commander, you can't--”

 

“It's an order. NOW!”

 

“Yes, Commander.”

 

“You know it's the right choice, LT.”

 

“I'm sorry, Ash.” Shepard was barely audible over the battle around me.

 

“Don't. I understand. I don't regret a thing.” And she deactivated the com.

 

“NO!”

 

I cursed and shot at the next Geth in range to take my wrath out on him, blind to the Ghost crawling down the wall behind me, only becoming aware of him when it was too late. The bullet hit my side and pain rolled through my body like a wall of fire. I managed to throw the synthetic against the wall he had climbed down and he slid limply to the ground.

 

My vision blurred, and my head felt too heavy. Blood was staining my armor and I fell on my side, slipped out of cover. The water was tinted pink by my life-fluid. Stars danced in my vision, the sound around me was muffled, distant. Pain kept me awake, exhaustion fought against it. I had to keep my eyes open or Shepard would lose me as well. I knew he should have gone for Ashley.

 

A Geth appeared over me, his weapon pointed at the space between my eyes. Too bad that the mechanical clicks of the synthetics would be last I'd hear.

 

“Kaidan!”

 

The Geth was tackled so hard he collided with the next wall, a few meters away. At least it seemed so, I only heard a loud crack and saw Shepards face hovering over me next, a grimace of concern. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry, for Ashley, for failing him and destroying his intentions of rescuing me. But the only thing I got out was a wet grunt, followed by harsh raspy breaths. Something warm run down my cheek and I tasted something metallic and familiar that didn't belong were it was.

 

I was grabbed and dragged somewhere. I heard voices, muzzle flash, but everything was muffled and meaningless. Somebody screamed, it could have been me. Then it was silent, but someone started to talk again, nonsense I didn't understand. Next to me somebody answered. My eyelids were unbearably heavy, it would have been so easy to give in and close them, to leave the universe to itself, why fight if nobody wanted to be rescued anyway?

 

“Don't you dare, Kaidan!”

 

I was smacked in the face by a gloved hand, hard enough to bring me back to consciousness, or whatever one calls the state I was in. A familiar face was there, looking down on me, grey eyes full of concern and fear. I knew that face. Shepard. I tried to say his name, but only hissed, not able to get out more than the first letter.

 

A hand had laid on my chest, but I hadn't noticed it until its comforting weight was taken away and I was alone again. I panicked, left alone to die. Had they given up? My eyes burned with unshed tears and my mind was running an insane marathon of blurred images, unable to identify the strange and twisted noises around me.

 

Somebody dragged me to my feet, or rather tried to, because my knees gave in even before I stood straight, and I was caught again, thrown over a shoulder. A shoulder plate dug into my wound, sending a new wave of pain through my weak body.

 

Everything went black.

 

 

Φ

 

 

My body was cold. So cold.

 

It felt like I was underwater, in a pool of blackness, impenetrable, suffocating. I had to get out, move towards the surface. But my body would not respond, would not move in the slightest. Everything was so heavy, even breathing.

 

There was something warm around my hand, so comfortable and overwhelming that I knew there was nothing to fear.

 

_Everything will be all right again._

 

I allowed myself to relax, my body taking in the warmth of the single touch, sending life through my cold flesh.

 

_I promise._

 

My hand was lifted and something brushed my skin, delicate, gentle. I wanted it to never end, but it was long gone before I could stop it. The touch vanished, leaving only a shadow of its warmth behind for me to dwell on.

 

 

Φ

 

 

The voices were incomprehensible through the veil of black around me. It had thinned over the time, allowing me to catch a glimpse of the world behind it, only once. I had bathed in light that time, so bright it had blinded me. Something had covered my eyes, a gentle hand and something had stung in my neck.

 

“Not yet, Lieutenant.”

 

And I had fallen back into familiar darkness.

 

But now it was fading, growing weaker with every heartbeat, until it felt like I only had to reach out and brush it away to see the light again. Nevertheless I could not move, so I tried to listen to the voices, tried to understand what they were saying. The effort made my brain feel like it was crushed between the hands of a Krogan, but I ignored the pain and the dizziness, longing for _something_ of the world around me.

 

“--is he?”

 

“Getting better by the minute. He gained conscious once, but I had to put him into coma once more. Just give him four more days and he will be on his feet again.”

 

“Good. That is good.”

 

A pause.

 

“Is there anything else, Commander?”

 

“What? No, nothing. Thank you, Doctor.”

 

“You're welcome. But a word of advice, Commander. Take some rest.”

 

“Yes, yes, I will. Soon.”

 

Footsteps, the hiss of a door opening, a sigh, and footsteps again, lighter this time. A hand was laid on my forehead.

 

“You should better get up, Lieutenant, or the Commander will die of worry over you. He surely can't stand to see another good soldier on the ground. Poor Ashley.”

 

The hand was withdrawn and I refused to listen any longer. I didn't want to hear about Ashley. She had died so I could live, but I hadn't wanted it and I still didn't. I should have been grateful, but I was angry at her, for leaving me behind to carry the survivor's guilt on my shoulders like a twisted Atlas.

It was so much heavier than the earth could ever be...

 

 

Φ

 

 

I leaned over the cot and vomited audibly. It was a vicious circle; taking pain killers until the throbbing in my body stopped and I would retch, then I would set them aside until the throbbing started again.

 

Chakwas appeared out of nowhere to replace the bucket, hand me a glass of water and scold me about having to drink more so I would not dehydrate. She reminded me of a clucking hen, but I would never tell her that. Or maybe I would, so she could finally kick me out of the med bay.

 

I had been there for a bit over a week already, and was awake since three days. Eventually all the others had been here to check on me, even Wrex, although I never would've thought that possible. They had been truly relieved to see me recovering, but the events on Virmire and Ashley's... sacrifice forbid all joy one could possibly feel. Her absence hung over us all like a heavy boulder, ready to crush.

 

The door hissed and Liara entered, a smile on her lips that was not strong enough to reach her eyes. She greeted me and sat down on the cot next to me, looking me over like one of her Prothean ruins.

 

“How are you feeling today?”

 

“Better,” I lied because there was no need in worrying them again. To be honest, I felt bad and my migraine grew worse by the minute, increased by the unnatural bright light of the med bay.

 

“That's good.”

 

We fell silent for a while, not sure what to say, fearing that anything we talked about might lead to Ashley.

 

“Has Shepard been here yet?” She finally asked and I shook my head, just to regret it afterwards. Fast movement was deadly, especially when it involved head movement.

 

“Hmm... He holed up, somehow, in work since--”

 

And there it was. There was no point in trying to avoid the subject, it came down on you, no matter what. The burden on my shoulders was growing ounce by ounce with every heartbeat of mine.

 

Someday my knees would give in.

 

 

Φ

 

 

Two days more and Dr. Chakwas finally released her medical grip on me. I was out and about as fast as I could, before she might change her mind and strap me to the bed again. The crew welcomed me back, still treating me like a raw egg, but I ignored it. Everything went back to normal. As normal as it could be under these circumstances, anyway.

 

Shepard avoided me, I avoided him, relieved and depressed at the same time about it. Days passed, then months. I wasn't taken to any ground mission again, and it hurt me, but I kept my mouth shut, determined to ignore the problem until it evaporated. It didn't work--

\--apart from the first weeks. My dreams had been replaced by nightmares, Ashley haunted me every night. I saw her dieing, again and again, falling off a cliff, being shot by a Geth, crushed by the Mako. There was a never ending stream of morbid ideas forming in my brain at night, nevertheless she was out of reach _every time_.

 

But at least I didn't dream about Shepard any longer. So I thought this... _phase_ had finally come to an end. And again I was wrong. The dreams returned, sneaking into my nightmares. First, I found comfort in his arms after seeing her die and then, night after night the ways of comforting became more and more intimate, and Ashley eventually vanished fully. It gave me a bad conscious and made coping with my guilt even harder.

 

The thing that bothered me the most, however, was why. _Why me?_ Why had he chosen me over her? Could he have been so reckless to leave the woman he loved behind for the greater good? Was I even more of use in saving the galaxy? If it was so, why didn't he take me with him on the missions any longer? Did he finally regret his decision?

 

As soon as the questions had started to form in my head, they never ended. There was only one way to stop them and I was far beyond the point of caring about the consequences any longer. I had to talk to him.

 

So it came that I found myself standing in front of Shepard's cabin, the night before we were arriving at Ilos. I don't know how long I had been standing there, disputing with myself if I should do what I had come here for or simply give up and ask for a transfer. Latter suddenly seemed more appealing and I turned to leave, but froze in mid-movement when I heard the door hissing. Shepard stood there, a data pad in his hand, busy as always.

 

“Kaidan?” He sounded skeptical, as if I was the last person he had expected to meet here, at this hour. And wasn't I? After months of dancing around each other, how could I have had the idea that facing him would be the best to get a hold of my problems?

 

“I--” What? _What?_ I came here to talk to him and hadn't even thought about what to say? He looked me over, slightly frowning, his eyes coming to a halt at my own, finally. I could tell he was uncomfortable, and so was I.

 

“Is there anything, Lieutenant?” he asked, allowing me to continue. Always the caring superior, the paragon, there to help anyone who'd ask. But he couldn't help me. I was beyond any help, fallen head over heels for someone who was off-limits and likely not responding to my feelings anyway.

 

“No. I'm sorry. Never mind.” And I turned to go, but found myself being held back by a strong hand clutching my upper arm.

 

“Out with it, Kaidan.” His gaze was boring into me, threading to read my mind like an open book. It was so hard to hide from those eyes, it needed energy I didn't have anymore. The wall of silence I had built around my feelings was shattered to smithereens, and finally, finally I spluttered what I had wanted to ask the whole time since Virmire.

 

“ _Why?_ ”

 

He opened his mouth to ask me what I meant, but once I had started to tell him what was ripping me apart bit by bit from the inside, I couldn't stop.

 

“Why did you chose me?! Why not her? It was wrong and you know it. You are already regretting it. I know how you felt about her. _Why me, Shepard? Why me?_ ”

 

I'd hit a nerve, I saw it in the way he clenched his fists and gritted his teeth while he listened to me, his brows knitted. I knew something was going to happen soon, that I had overstepped my bounds, but I couldn't hold back anymore and it was too late anyway.

 

He grabbed me by the collar and shoved me hard against the wall. I could feel his hot breath on my skin because he was so near, his face only inches apart from my own. But there was nothing romantic about it. His hands trembled with suppressed anger and when he spoke, his voice was nothing more than a hiss, the words gritted out between clenched teeth.

 

“You know _nothing_ about my feelings.”

 

He stared into my eyes for a moment longer, and it was unbearable. There was reproach and pain shadowing them, and I had caused it. It was the first time I had seen Shepard losing his temper. And _I_ was the reason he had...

 

He let go and I slid down the wall, covering my face with my hands and listening to him walking away.

 

Away from me.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Art by FatHobbitLover from Deviantart.
> 
>  
> 
> Huh, that was long. Oo 
> 
> But I had fun writing it, so there will definitely come more. 
> 
> I know, it's long and the progress is only slow, and yes, they will kiss, there will be sex and all the things you have in mind... er, maybe not ALL the things, but a few at least... But you have to wait for it. The thing is called "It COULD have been so easy", not "They were kissing after the first Chapter"


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